Stupid commercial review: Audi "The Decision"

Stupid commercial review: Audi "The Decision"

One of the joys of having a blog that nobody should waste time reading is the ability to rant about trivial shit that pisses you off. There are so many brands of this sort of cultural pollution that I've decided to break them up into categories. True, I may never visit any of them more than once, but what the hell. 

Today's rant is about TV commercials. Yes, it's fertile ground for bullshit. So we may see further posts. For now, though, a look at a piece I had the misfortune of viewing during my afternoon workout. It's called "The Decision" (yes, I looked it up) and it was produced for the Super Bowl. Evidently, someone thought it was good enough to be running more than a month later. I cannot for the life of me imagine why, except that it probably cost a few hundred thousand dollars to produce. 

"The Decision" is about a brave man, Mr. Stevens, who is standing up to a bunch of bad people (they're either the Mob or members of the Russian secret service protecting the Trump campaign). His testimony will save lives!

Audi 1a.JPG

It's all very dark and serious. For some reason, the government can't afford to pay for lights in the conference room.


I guess they need to save money, because Mr. Stevens is making out like a bandit. They tell him he gets a new identity...

Audi 2.JPG

Plus a new house in what looks like the Issaquah Highlands...


Presumably, the idea is that Mr. Stevens will trade in his thirst for danger for a life of conformity and a complete lack of taste. 

Yes! That's got to be it! Because next they tell him he now must drive "a perfectly inconspicuous SUV"...


But that's where Mr. Stevens draws the line and makes his proverbial decision. "I'll take my chances," he sneers back. What a rebel! He's not going to become invisible! He's gonna take off in an Aston Martin, or a Ferrari, or possibly even a Jaguar, right? Um, no. Next frame we see him driving this...


It looks like *literally* the same vehicle, with just a different grill. You can see it for yourself, but warning that you won't get these 60 seconds back. 

Now I ask you: Is this supposed to be funny? Profound? Edgy?

The one advertising review I read spelled out the obvious: "The idea is that he’d rather be in danger of criminals so long as he can drive his Audi Q5 than be completely safe and drive a Lexus NX." Jesus Christ on a biscuit. Who the fuck would even know the difference? Who the fuck would care? 

 This is one good reason why I only watch TV anymore while sweating on an elliptical machine. Sadly, I'm sure more stupidity is certain to come. So stay tuned. 

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